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It’s 8:30 in the evening, you’re at a friend’s house and she’s trying to convince you that you’d rather have pizza than Chinese food. “Stop gaslighting me!” you yell and everyone in the room laughs. Anyone who has ever tried to be funny on the internet knows this joke. The exaggeration of the term gaslighting – a term in psychology defined by therapist Laurie Singer as the behavior by which one person tries to make another person doubt their perception of reality – has become a joke.

The jokes about this serious topic came about after many people misused the term online and mememed this type of behavior which is usually intentional and part of a cycle of abuse. Several medical terms have been misused online over time (for example, influencers have been too easily called narcissists), and this creates a lot of confusion.

So I wanted to shed some light on the subject, find out what gaslighting is and isn’t, and understand how best to react when it happens to us.

Ce e gaslighting-ul?

The term originates from a play called Gas Light , which premiered in 1938 and was screened twice. The most famous adaptation is the 1944 remake of Gaslight , starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In each of the versions, the husband convinces his wife that she has gone mad. How does it do that? He tells her that he is imagining things, especially about the lights in the house.

As Singer said, gaslighting is a form of manipulation that tries to influence how another person sees the world. It is done through verbal communication – the gaslighter makes the victim doubt themselves and their memory.

Psychologist and relationship expert John Kenny explained to me over email that gaslighting is about gaining control. “Gaslighting is a form of emotional or mental abuse and occurs when someone tries to make you doubt your thoughts, actions, and emotions in order to gain control over you and the relationship . He wants you to doubt yourself and believe that the person is always right, so he can act however he wants around you,” he said.

Singer gave an example of gaslighting on a smaller scale: A parent thinks his child eats too much and wants to make him eat less. When the child says he is hungry, the parent replies, “You can’t be hungry, you just ate,” even though he ate three hours ago.

Maybe the parent does this unconsciously, but it’s still gaslighting. In this situation, it not only controls the food the child eats, but also the way he perceives hunger, thus influencing the child’s relationship with food.

What is not gaslighting

Although gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, not all emotional abuse is gaslighting. Because gaslighting is a specific behavior used by one person against another, it is a bit simplistic to call any form of control gaslighting. And when we make jokes about it, we don’t help the victims of abuse at all, … more

After talking to a few therapists, it doesn’t even seem like the worst idea.

Picture this: Your long-term partner has just dumped you. You’re picturing your first day alone passed out in bed or faking a fake smile while friends take you out on the town to celebrate your newfound (and unwanted) “freedom” – and then your ex proposes the exact opposite. “Are you in the mood for a breakup vacation?”. Although the concept seems unlikely, Justine Sebbag, a 26-year-old journalist living in Paris, ended up on her own breakup holiday after ending her relationship with her boyfriend of five years the day before planned holiday in the south of France.

It was the summer of 2021, and despite realizing how bad the timing was, she still felt that something about her relationship was “not right”. Normally, she figured this would ruin her vacation plans (which were also a work trip for both of them), but her ex asked her if she wanted to go anyway, hoping that she might change your mind. “It was a bit awkward at first because we didn’t know how to act – Should we kiss? Shall we have sex? I did and it was honestly the coolest,” says Sebbag. “During the vacation, we had many deep discussions about the last five years, about our doubts and what we wanted in a relationship.”

Instead of changing his mind, the vacation actually cemented his idea of ​​a breakup. She looks back fondly on her unplanned “breakup vacation” and is sure it made the breakup a lot easier for her in the long run. “Instead of breaking up after a long talk, we took the time to properly break up over the course of a week, somewhere that wasn’t too personal. We enjoyed delicious meals and enjoyed each other’s company before going our separate ways,” she says. “As time goes on, I realize how healing this longer separation was. I think it’s a great way to end a healthy, long-term relationship.”

Sebbag and her ex aren’t the only couple to say goodbye to their relationship with a vacation. While it’s still somewhat unconventional (let’s be honest, we all know an ex-couple who clearly shouldn’t try this), on TikTok couples are going viral after sharing their breakup vacation experiences, and even the faster, more efficient version in terms of pre-planned “last date” costs. “My boyfriend and I are breaking up in two weeks. We had a wonderful weekend break,” writes one creator as she holds hands with her partner in a clip that has now gone viral. “It was painful and healing at the same time.”

While online “breakup vacation” content is undeniably dramatic — and often feels like both parties are just rubbing salt into their wounds for views — Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist in Pennsylvania, says it’s common for couples who trying to “consciously uncouple” AKA a relatively amicable separation. “From my observations, these people come out of a situation with mutual agreement and purpose … more